If you are at all like me, you often find yourself sitting at home on a weekend night, staring at a 20-foot tall stack of slightly worn Tom Clancy novels and thinking, "Nah, I've read all four of those books already." So you say to yourself (out loud, and in broken French, for some reason), "I think I'd like to see a movie."

You then, of course, fire up any number of BitTorrent clients you have loaded onto your computer, and download whatever pirated movies you want to watch at that given moment.

Ha ha! Of course, I am kidding! You would never dream of doing anything illegal, and since downloading pirated movies is illegal, you are far more likely to sign in to your NetFlix account, select a handful of movies you would like to watch, and move them to the top of your queue. It is at this point that you realize that NetFlix, as good a service as it is (go to hell, Blockbuster Total Access), still has an average movie delivery turnaround time of 2-3 days, and by the time those movies arrive the weekend will be over.

Still wishing to watch a movie or two right now, you would probably (again, if you are like me) jump in the car and drive on over to your local video rental store (not Blockbuster) and just shell out the $8.73 for a couple of new releases off the shelf.

However, this is all predicated on the presupposition that you are like me, which I can almost guarantee you are not. For starters, you do not have a 20-foot tall stack of Tom Clancy novels that comprises precisely four books; you have a 48-foot tall stack consisting of only three books, and they are by Clive Cussler. Also, you don't even know what a BitTorrent client is.

Which is why you are precisely the kind of person who would purchase the DVDs directly, well in advance of the weekend upon which you wished to view them. And, knowing this about you as I do, I came prepared with three recommendations:

Wanted

There is no man on this planet (and barely any women, for that matter) who doesn't sometimes (read: "every 17 minutes") fantasize about Angelina Jolie's snarling smile and deep dark eyes, and in Wanted, she adds to this fantasy by carrying firearms.

If you haven't seen it, the movie is about a secret fraternity of assassins whose targets are carefully and methodically selected by ... giggle ... by ... snicker ... HAHAHA! Ok, seriously, I can't tell you how the assassination targets are selected, because it would be a major plot-spoiler, which, in this case, would be less like spoiling a plot and more like telling the punch-line before the joke is finished. I'll give you a hint, though: it would have been more believable if the fraternity had been choosing their targets by spinning a large, multi-colored Wheel 'O' Death, complete with blinking lights and annoying beeping noises.

This weakness aside, the movie still clips along at good speed, keeps the adrenaline pumping, and lets the viewer step vicariously into the Everyman role so ably played by James McAvoy, wherein a virtual Nobody suddenly becomes a very powerful and important Somebody. If that's not enough to entice you, Angelina also gives the viewer a long look at her dripping wet, tattooed backside about halfway into the film. Granted, her derriere is difficult to differentiate from her lips, and the role of her rumpus may very well have been stunt-doubled by her copious kisser, but I digress (and so does she).

Prince Caspian

The second volume in C.S. Lewis's marvelous Narnia series comes to life on screen with Prince Caspian. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy return to the magical land of Narnia because they have been summoned by the young prince. With the help of the dwarves, centaurs, mice, et al, the children and the prince have to defeat Caspian's evil uncle Miraz, who has usurped the Narnian throne. It's good entertainment, just don't over-analyze it.

And finally ...

The Dark Knight

The summer blockbuster comes to DVD. Taking its cue from Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales", Heath Ledger plays a young squire with a talent for jousting, who disguises himself as his dead master and -- no, I'm sorry, that's wrong. I'm thinking of the 2001 film, A Knight's Tale.

Christian Bale plays a wounded hero given a second shot at life by a mysterious millionaire, a chance to fight crime and corruption with the help of a technologically-advanced vehicle named "KITT", and together with -- uh, nope, that's wrong too. I have this confused with the 1982 television series Knight Rider.

At any rate, this here Dark Knight masterpiece thingy, surely the Holy Grail of all movies ever made or ever to be made, runs for a solid two-and-a-half hours - so if nothing else, it's got a good bang-to-buck ratio. Plus, once you've finished watching it and - 152 minutes later - suddenly need a nicotine fix, you can go to the convenience store for a pack of Kool lights, and when the clerk can't find them on the shelf, you can grab him by the collar and repeatedly smash his head into the front window while yelling "WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THEY?" (I often do this to Google Maps, in fact, when trying to find all of the McDonald's locations closest to my residence).



If you do end up buying The Dark Knight Rider Tale, or even if you already own it, you should also consider purchasing this hilarious audio commentary on the film, produced by the crew at RiffTrax. The jokes come fast and furious, making fun of Batman's costume (part of which seems to include the inexplicable and affected Deep Gravel Voice), The Joker's insanity, the scenery, the sound effects, Nick Nolte and Gary Busey (who seem to get burned in every RiffTrax commentary), and pretty much everything else in the film. It's very well done, and my sides hurt from laughing for nearly 152 minutes straight.

Ok? So points to take away: read a little more Tom Clancy, never ever give Blockbuster your business, purchase these DVDs and the Dark Knight audio commentary, and above all else, find out what a BitTorrent client is/does/smells like (hint: they might be responsible for choosing assassination targets).