Title: Nothing Like the Holidays
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 140 minutes
Director: Alfredo De Villa

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Pour yourself a stiff egg-nog and Cuervo, because we're going to spend Christmas with the Rodriguez clan. This Puerto Rican family living in Chicago's west side has enough dysfunction to make sure everyone gets a healthy serving, and by the time the last character has vented his or her Hispanic spleen, you and I will be trading out the egg-nog for harder stuff. This movie backs up the truck and unloads crate after crate of Awkward, whole skids of Uncomfortable, and a few 50-gallon drums of High-Strung Agitation. And that's just the first half of the film.

This family has it all: a shell-shocked younger brother just back from the war, mainlining high-octane Survivor's Remorse; a drifting and rootless sister struggling to break into a film career; an "ethnically intense" meddling mother whose mission appears to be racial stereotype preservation; and a Bodega-owning father who just wants to see his family together, and to pass on his family business to one of his sons.

Unfortunately, the free-for-all engagement of the various family disputes, and the outing of numerous historical skeletons hitherto safely hidden in their proper closets, is so terrifyingly realistic and palpable that the average viewer will probably feel like he is intruding on what should be private conversations. To put it succinctly: you will want to work up a few fake coughs, check your watch, make some kind of polite excuse, and gracefully take your leave of the movie. Unless, of course, you are the kind of morbid and sadistic viewer whose idea of a good time is watching people work through their dysfunctions in a holiday setting; in which case, grab another bag of lightly salted Self-Abuse and strap yourself in. You'll be here a while.

A few things that I learned from this movie:

- It is, in fact, quite possible to make Luiz Guzman (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love) even more irritating than he normally is. Simply cast him as a gay character, add a lisp to his already barely-comprehensible line delivery, and augment his super-charged Latino flamboyance with an even more gaudy homosexual style

- John Leguizamo (Moulin Rouge, The Take, The Happening) still has an incredibly abundant face, and he isn't afraid to point it at you without remorse

- Alfred Molina (Spiderman 2, The Da Vinci Code) should never, ever be allowed to appear on screen in his underwear

- The same goes for Mr. Leguizamo

In the end, the Rodriguez family manages to work everything out, but they do in a fashion about as predictable and stale as ... (note to self: think up a clever analogy with which to end this review).

+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.