Title: The Day the Earth Stood Still
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 110 minutes
Director: Scott Derrickson

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

As I write this review, I am amply surrounded by several hundred recently-purchased leafy green plants, numerous containers of fresh dirt, a variety of small and furry animals, and a handful of large aquarii aquarae aquariumses fish tanks containing various forms of sea creatures.

In short, this movie has changed my life.

Gone are the days when I would routinely host medium-to-large sized dinner parties, with seven-course meals featuring (only in part, mind you) Spotted Owl breast sauteed in Humpback Whale fat and presented in lightly-baked dolphin skin wrap, Polar Bear tenderloin garnished with Aleutian Shield Fern leaves, and Ozark Bat pancreas seasoned with crushed Gowen Cypress Root, all served on genuine Desert Tortoise shell plateware, and tiny forks carved of genuine Asian Elephant tusk ivory (Bengal White Tiger claw toothpicks are available, should you need to remove any of the fern leaves from between your teeth).

Yes, my former behaviors must change, because, according to The Day the Earth Stood Still, we (by which I mean "you", since I've changed my habits) are killing the earth, and the aliens are fed up with us (I still mean "you") over the whole thing. In fact, we (again, "you") have to die, so bad has the situation degenerated. It's the only way to save the planet.

Actually, I take it all back. The Day the Earth Stood Still (TDtESS) is a horribly mistitled movie, because at no point during the film is the earth ever in danger of standing still. The earth's people are threatened with destruction, yes, but there is not so much as a whisper of a threat that the planet will cease its motion.

TDtESS confirms what most of us suspected: Keanu Reeves is not of this planet. Mr. Reeves turns in his usual lethargic performance, emptying entire clips of expressionless dialog and stone-faced stars right into the audience's chest. Appropriately, the lion's share of his scripted lines contain no more than three-to-four words at a time ("I have to go", "Drive there", "I can't tell you", "It won't", and so forth), which makes for a perfect marriage of actor and script.



The incredibly-talented Jaden Smith plays the role of Dakota Fanning and Haley Joel Osment, filling every conceivable gap in which the plot might have lacked a whiny, bratty, disrespectful pre-teen character to hurl defiant expressions. His performance is so stunningly realistic that you will undoubtedly fantasize about grabbing the scruff of his cocky little neck and slapping him without ceasing.

The real action of the film takes place in a few critically-placed on-screen dialogs that brim with philosophical utterances, one of which finally presents itself as the movie's unforgettable tag-line: "at the precipice, we change." This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that the key conversation in which this axiom appears takes place between Keanu Reeves and (wait for it) John Cleese. I dare you to find two characters less likely to engage in scholastic debate. A more realistic dialog between these two cast members might go something like this:

Reeves: "I don't understand."

Cleese: "Oh, come off it, you stupid git! I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

Reeves: "I'm sorry."

Cleese: "Yes, sorry! Sorry, everyone! I do get carried away sometimes! Now, listen closely and please try to understand before one of us dies, it's really quite simple: my hovercraft is full of eels."

Reeves: "Whoa."

Cleese: "Right. Stop this, it's gotten completely silly. And now for something completely different ..."

In summary: Hollywood once again wishes us to know that we are all a bunch of self-absorbed and reckless cretins, whose most readily-identifiable characteristic is our lack of any sort of self-preservation instinct (your ticket stub to TDtESS will suffice as proof). We are a threat to this planet, although no one is exactly sure how or what to do about it. What is certain, however, is that if we do not clean up our collective act, some alien race out there in the cosmos is bound to send Keanu Reeves our way, and then ... well, God help us all.

This scenario, of course, assumes that David Scarpa (screenplay) is correct, and M. Night Shyteyerself is wrong; otherwise, don't bother worrying about an impending invasion of the alien police to protect the planet from its inhabitants, because the plants themselves will rise up and kill us all before it ever gets that bad.


+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.