I shouldn't have been surprised when Paul Blart: Mall Cop gave me a raw, itchy, skin-eating rash. I should have paid attention to the label. It was a warning sign, and I completely missed it. I will be more attentive next time to the big red flag: http://bit.ly/osr1N Hopefully this will save you from experiencing similar pain.

There are three things that can invade my dreams, rapidly turn them into nightmares, and cause me to wake up in a cold sweat, screaming my fool head off like a little girl (who has just been awakened from a nightmare that made her scream a lot).

Those three things are:



Wolf spiders. Eight-legged hunters with extremely good eyesight, which is to be expected, given that they have eight freakin' eyes. They will actually chase their prey, sometimes using GPS tracking and head-mounted flashlights. And did I mention they jump?! *shudder*



Clowns. Sorry, but clowns are contra-natural abominations conceived by Satan in the deepest pits of hell. If God had intended clowns to exist, He would have created albinos. Clowns are always smiling, their flaming hair rudely flaming at you in all of its threatening flamingness. They travel in groups, leaping out of cars when it suits their evil purposes. Freakish. Pure nightmare fuel.



Yes, I fear the hell out of coleslaw. "Coleslaw" is just a cutesy, made-up name for what it really is: cabbage salad. CABBAGE! Lettuce gone horribly wrong! No amount of mayonnaise can make it better, because in the end, it's still a dish that is far too friendly with vinegar. It needs to ferment before being served. And let's face it, coleslaw is just a hop, skip, and tiny jump away from sauerkraut, kim-chi, and other radio-active, cabbage-based appetizers. If you don't fear coleslaw, you're probably in the process of either a) hiring clowns for your next party, or b) sleeping with a wolf spider.

Another time-wasting Twitter game for your Wednesday night. The topic: 3 Breakup Words. Presumably this meant three-word phrases that would either a) LEAD to a breakup, or b) DECLARE a breakup.

My contributions:

* You COULD diet ...

* Janet, meet Sylvia

* I went straight.

* Beer me. Now.

* I was KIDDING.

* I call do-over.

* CTRL, ALT, DELETE

* U haz "ex".

* The name's "Keanu".

* I'm studying Scientology

* Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!

* And last, but not least, an interactive tweet: http://bit.ly/150AiJ

Favorite contributions from others:

* Look! Vampires! *runs* @Under_life

* That's a wrap @ChampParker

* Be Right Back @freestylesteve

* Our anniversary's today? @Tengrain

* You're Shia LaBeouf @JoshWay

Please, keep the noise to a dull roar. I have several hours of catching-up to do on my scriptorium project, translating the entire corpus of Virgil's work from the original Latin into the more user-friendly Pig Latin. It's not easy. Some of these poems - limmericks, really - are absolutely filthy, and something gets lost in translation moving to the vernacular.

ulta-may oque-quay et-way ello-bay assus-pay, um-day onderet-cay urbem-way

You see my challenge here, no doubt.

As you can see from the weary look on my face, the work is tiring, but rewarding. The rope around my waist says "I'm all business", while my robe says "I know how to relax and have fun, too". But fun is for later. Back to the books I go.

Please: keep it down.

Wheeeeew, what a weekend! Got off work on Friday, and immediately set about the difficult (but obligatory) task of discovering how many alcoholic beverages I could consume in a 45-minute period. That was really the last thing I remember. I know there were grilled meat items involved at some point, and several silent films - there might have been some spontaneous cross-stitching and the crashing of a junior-league t-ball game, but I can't confirm.

The point is, I woke up this morning in this condition:



Yes, the Long Weekend rudely stole almost all of my clothes, hacked into me with various blunt instruments (some of which are not, technically, appropriate for "hacking into" activities), and worst of all, Long Weekend then scribbled some illegible and incoherent German super-script above my head. Well played, Long Weekend, well played. This round goes to you.

But I'll see you in July, and then we'll settle the score.

The long weekend is over (at least, for you - I'm pushing mine until my boss notices that I'm not there, and then I'll plead ignorance), which means that there is a new kind of clear AND present danger today: days of the week, masquerading as other days of the week.

Oh, sure, the calendar may say it's Tuesday today, but I'm not buying it. Take a closer look:



There, under the mask, an evil Monday lurks. Do not be fooled by the mask. It might look like Tuesday, but underneath its flashy red robe it carries deadlines missed, overdue hours needing to be logged, and weekly "sync-up" meetings which will be sprung like traps throughout the day today.

Be warned, and plan accordingly. Tuesday is indeed here, but as a grossly deformed, two-headed turtle. Yes, a turtle:



Please take every precaution and stay safe today. Wear garlic if you have to.

+++++++++++++++++++++

**UPDATE**

See?! This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about! Would you people please be careful? This two-headed Monday/Tuesday thing ("thing", remember, equals either "two-headed turtle" or "guy in mask") is not messing around here. From Josh Fruhlinger (of the hilarious Comics Curmudgeon site), via Twitter:

"Monday holiday + Tuesday morning trash pickup = oops." (link)

This is not a game. How many more people must suffer?

Robert Langdon arrests Science and takes it away

Author Dan Brown wanted me to remind you again of the central message of Angels & Demons, which is that Science is Evil. Please don't ever, ever forget this. If you do, you may end up with an anti-matter bomb exploding right in your face. Secondary, but equally important, remember that the Illuminati is everywhere. Be highly suspicious of anyone who is overly interested in mathematics, astronomy, technology, ambigrams, or "symbology". Also try to avoid light.

Dan Brown thanks you.

* Opening credits rolling, already weeping @ the sheer beauty of the angelic AND demonic

* Science creates the anti-matter bomb, way more dangerous than the nuclear bomb. This just proves that science is evil.

* Illuminati = mathematicians, scientists, astronomers. So basically, nerds.

* Illuminati = scientists. Also Illuminati = murdering kidnappers, in this movie. So again, science is evil.

* So far, droplets of showing, boatloads of telling.

* Tom Hanks is doing a great job as Nicholas Cage, the Guy Who Solves All the Riddles Before the Audience Cares

* Seriously, these riddles need more time to capture audience interest, before being so quickly solved & discarded

* Do I really have to listen to a preachy speech on Science & Religion delivered by ... Ewan Mac?! Obi Wan?!

* Havent seen this much Cardinal ass-kicking since the 1985 world series.

* Guy 2 rows down has a Blackberry, which probably means he is Illuminati. Going 2 kill him just in case.

* Idiots. That's the FIRST place I would have looked for the bomb.

* A plot twist bound up in a loophole in an obscure Church document. Riveting.

* Oh, Movie. You want me to believe the Church is evil. But you already convinced me that Science is evil. Silly Movie.

* Ok. Good book, too hard to cram into film. Solid effort, though. 3 of 5 stars.

* Mandatory plug: go visit www.celebrationcinema.com

I'm going to see Angels & Demons. Against all better judgment, and in spite of the fact that they did not cast Monica Bellucci as Vittoria Vetra, I have to know how badly Ron Howard bastardized the book. I liked the book. It was a page-turner. But after what happened to Da Vinci, I'm understandably afraid.

Go to twitter.com/iquerydef for real-time review updates.