It's been a long couple of days. I was just on my way back from purchasing a half-gallon of eggnog and some shredded beef jerky, when I was abducted by masked men and taken to a secret location. Upon threat of being forced to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I was made to referee a staring contest between actress Zooey Deschanel and actor John Turturro.




The contest ended in a draw, with both celebrities being immediately contracted to star in Steven Spielberg's upcoming epic film, Looking.

With some therapy, I hope to recover.