Title: Avatar
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 162 minutes
Director: James Cameron

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

James Cameron wanted me to let you all know that, in addition to being "the king of the world", he is now also the king of Pandora. That, of course, is the name given to the moon associated with the planet Polyphemus in Mr. King of the Galaxy's new movie, Avatar. An Avatar is, of course, the binary and digital equivalent of an "AKA", which itself is just an acronymic way of saying "I can't stand on my own two feet, so I'll adopt a more exciting alter-ego".

In this rather bizarre and "meta" way, Avatar is indeed a real avatar: pretending to be its own movie, it is, in fact, a fascinating cross-cut blend of several other films, including Fernfully, Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Apocalypto, and maybe a bit of Braveheart. However, since Avatar dresses up its brazen plagiarism with some absolutely stunning and spectacular digital imagery and special effects, we'll give it a pass and probably even hand it some academy awards.

A quick synopsis, then: we Americans are a greedy, unfeeling, insensitive bunch of chunk-heads who have no appreciation whatsoever for other cultures, let alone other planets. We frequently go around with actual dollar signs flashing out of our eye sockets, and we will stop at nothing to make a lot of money very quickly. Thus, the RDA Corporation has set out on a mining expedition to Pandora, where it will blow stuff up, kill innocent life-forms, and generally make a drunken fool of itself in the quest to obtain a valuable mineral called ... wait for it ... unobtainium. Please, stop laughing, Mr. Cameron can hear you.

One of the ways the RDA Corporation intends to get this unobtanium (genus: nowaytoprocuremal) is to infiltrate the native Na'vi people using "avatars" - a human-Na'vi hybrid, specially built for the purpose, and operated by human beings using slightly upgraded The Matrix technology. Seriously, you jerks, quit laughing, this is serious art.

Jake Scully operates the lone avatar that is successful in being accepted by the Na'vi people, and this forms the basis for the movie's morality tale: once Jake gets to know and love the Na'vi (because you just know he will), will he remain loyal to the humans and help them rape the land, or will he become a traitor to his race by helping the Na'vi preserve their civilization? I'll bet you really can't guess, can you?

I liked the film, in a sort of "3 stars out of 5" way. As promised, the CGI and digital effects show was very good, and the epic battle at the end of the film was as epic-y and battle-ish as anyone could want. My point of contention is that James Cameron carved up an over-used story, threw in some seriously shameless and pedantic political propaganda, and used that as an excuse to put on a digital dog-and-pony show.

The Na'vi prance around in their skimpy outfits, with their long and braided hair, worshiping the Mother Nature Goddess Life Energy Force and living off the resources of the land - and they have a pretty catchy war-cry, to boot. You can go ahead and mentally supply the eagle-feather warbonnets and tomahawk dancing.

As the unapologetically mercenary humans prepare to go to war against the Na'vi, their actions are justified as "pre-emptive", and described as a "shock and awe" campaign. Jake complains that we humans have already killed our Mother (earth, I think, although he may have been talking about Mother Teresa), and declares that human beings must be taught that we cannot simply take land away from other civilizations in order to get what we want.

In short, as the climactic battle begins, and the war cry is sounded, the average viewer will be so fired up and emotionally provoked that he may very well leap up out of his theater seat, raise his fists into the air, and scream "DEATH TO THE HUMANS!" Presumably, he will then return to his seat and continue consuming his 885 oz. Pepsi and 50-gallon drum of popcorn, little realizing that he has just sided against his own race in favor of a fictional, digital, alien community.

I fail to understand why James Cameron chose the American people as the antagonists in this film. After all, he was writing a story line that simply needed to pit humans against aliens, but out of all the cultures and races on Planet Earth from which to choose, he selected Americans. Obviously, Mr. Cameron has not watched enough Bugs Bunny or Connery-era 007 films, or he would have known that the nationalities preferred for representing Evil Incarnate in cinema are Russians or Germans.

I can only conclude that James Cameron is himself an alien, currently operating a genetically engineered human avatar, sent here to infiltrate our planet and prepare us for the coming alien invasion by filling us with self-loathing.

Still, he's doing it with some fantastic special effects, so ... who cares? Pass the popcorn.

++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

Dirty cops. Minority criminals. Lots of shooting and cursing. All of this and more can be yours for just two hours of your precious time. Actually, there isn't really any "more" to Pride and Glory, so this is all you get for your money.

The movie begins with a cops vs. cops football game, which was probably a bad move, because watching the game unfold just made me want to eat chips, drink beer, and fall asleep on the couch with one arm dangling to the floor, the remote control loosely gripped in my weary hand. Unfortunately, the movie never recovers from this opening blunder.

For most of the film, I felt as though I had been dropped squarely in the middle of an already-established plot line, but without the benefit of knowing any of the backstory. This left the script free to pummel me with spoonfuls of information that seemed like it was probably important, while never revealing to me what was actually going on. Thankfully, the dialog more than made up for this gap by presenting me with generous portions of well-worn cliches, including the requisite "good cop" who has some mysterious and generic "bad thing" from his past, a thing which he is still not quite over. Don't worry about what the "bad thing" is, just try to enter into the character's angst and internal struggle.

Take this basic principle and apply it to the entire movie, and you will get a pretty good idea of why Pride and Glory is a film that fails to be either proud or glorious. For most of the viewing, the movie grips the strings of the heart and pulls them violently, but never indicates what those strings are attached to, leaving the viewer with nothing but a consistent (and confusing) pulling sensation. It was as if the movie kept repeatedly inviting me to come inside for a few drinks, but never gave me a compelling reason to accept the invitation.

At about 45 minutes into the film, the body of a dead drug dealer is found, but the police are unsure "where he fits in"; a witness is questioned, but is declared to be "scattered" in her answers; then follows a funeral procession/parade played out in interminable slow-motion. I believe that it was at this point that the movie became self-aware, and started sending me encoded messages: portions of the plot don't fit it, the direction of the storyline is scattered, and yet it marches on, slowly, unceasingly, toward its morbid conclusion.

One hour into the film, I just wanted out. Most of the story's "reveals" had been unveiled, and there was nothing left to do but watch the yarn unravel, blandly.

Via Twitter.

Twitter: keeping your movie reviews short and to the blessed point.

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* Going to see "Up" in the only way it should be seen: with four kids 6 and under. Thank God for Valium. And stun guns.

* 10 minutes into movie, large pop is already 60 percent 2-yr-old mouth slurry. Yay, the movies!

* Funny movie. Funnier watching a theater full of small children try to keep the spring-loaded seats horizontal using bodyweight alone.

* Movie continues to amuse. 2-yr-old continues to cover Reese's Pieces in thin layer of hand/mouth drool.

* This movie is amazing on 3 pounds of Sour Patch Kids. Wonder what it's like sober?

* This is Up: Extended Potty Break Special Edition

* 2-yr-old also pretty amazing on 5 gallons of pop. Wonder what she's like sober? And by sober, I mean "not poopy".

* Dog-based sight gag at about 80 min. into film was exquisite.

* Excellent job, Pixar. 4 of 5 stars. A real tear-jerker, but lots of laughs too. Visit www.celebrationcinema.com

* Opening credits rolling, already weeping @ the sheer beauty of the angelic AND demonic

* Science creates the anti-matter bomb, way more dangerous than the nuclear bomb. This just proves that science is evil.

* Illuminati = mathematicians, scientists, astronomers. So basically, nerds.

* Illuminati = scientists. Also Illuminati = murdering kidnappers, in this movie. So again, science is evil.

* So far, droplets of showing, boatloads of telling.

* Tom Hanks is doing a great job as Nicholas Cage, the Guy Who Solves All the Riddles Before the Audience Cares

* Seriously, these riddles need more time to capture audience interest, before being so quickly solved & discarded

* Do I really have to listen to a preachy speech on Science & Religion delivered by ... Ewan Mac?! Obi Wan?!

* Havent seen this much Cardinal ass-kicking since the 1985 world series.

* Guy 2 rows down has a Blackberry, which probably means he is Illuminati. Going 2 kill him just in case.

* Idiots. That's the FIRST place I would have looked for the bomb.

* A plot twist bound up in a loophole in an obscure Church document. Riveting.

* Oh, Movie. You want me to believe the Church is evil. But you already convinced me that Science is evil. Silly Movie.

* Ok. Good book, too hard to cram into film. Solid effort, though. 3 of 5 stars.

* Mandatory plug: go visit www.celebrationcinema.com

I'm going to see Angels & Demons. Against all better judgment, and in spite of the fact that they did not cast Monica Bellucci as Vittoria Vetra, I have to know how badly Ron Howard bastardized the book. I liked the book. It was a page-turner. But after what happened to Da Vinci, I'm understandably afraid.

Go to twitter.com/iquerydef for real-time review updates.

Title: Eagle Eye
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 118 minutes
Director: DJ Caruso

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Hey. Psst!!! Quick, over here! I want to say a few things about this new-on-DVD movie, Eagle Eye, but I have to be short and to the point - THEY are watching. You know who I mean ... THEY. The ones who killed JFK and covered it up; the ones who know the truth about Area 52 (yeah, that's right, they only want you to think it's called "Area 51" - don't be so naive my friend); the ones who arranged the sinking of the Titanic (the movie, that is, not the actual boat); the VERY SAME "they" who are probably, right this moment, adjusting the browning level on your toaster by just a fraction of a percent, so that you will be vaguely aware in the morning that something about your breakfast is slightly off, though you will be unsure of exactly what it is, and this will cause you to go about the rest of your day with a nagging sense of unsettledness about life in general.

Yes, THEY are watching. And THEY are observing us right now, so again, I must be brief, and I must speak in very guarded and coded language about this movie, because THEY will be very angry if I say anything critical about it.

Jerry Shaw is the central character, MAGNIFICENTLY played by the hyper-active, fidgety, and stammeringly WONDERFUL Shia LaBeouf (literally, "I am terrified of the beef"). Jerry and his female counterpart, Rachel (Michelle Monaghan), run around the countryside in a frantic and nervous fashion, taking orders from a cell phone.

Actually, to be more exact, they receive their instructions from a female voice over a cell phone, and this female voice is the voice of THEM, which I believe to be ultimately traceable to and identifiable with ahdhakwe ad;h2hge2 jfkhgip8ef nahg83 ad;gy8hajfhdjvnn.

As is appropriate for a techno-thriller of this sort, THEY keep tabs on and communicate with Jerry and Rachel through every technological means possible: street-level video cameras, GPS devices, cell phones (even ones belonging to other people), computer usage, the drive-through speaker at Wendy's, digital marquee signs, computer-controlled traffic lights, and Facebook application requests ("You have one Be a Pawn in Our National Conspiracy or We're Going to Kill Your Family request pending"). Perhaps the most chilling scene in the entire movie is when THEY remotely seize control of Jerry's iPhone and force him to watch countless hours of M. Night Shyamalan films. (You don't find that terrifying? Have you ever actually watched a Shyamalan film after you already know what the "twist" is going to be?!)

There is plenty of running around, driving real fast, blowing stuff up, motor-mouthing (thanks to Mr. The Beef, whose most memorable lines are, as usual, "No, waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!!!" and "Come on, movemovemovemovemovemovemovemove!!!"), and crashing through glass. Side characters are brought in by the box-load, and then quickly killed off by THEM before you get a chance to become attached (or even care), in order to keep you, the audience, fully aware of how suspenseful and thrilling this movie is. IT IS THE MOST MASTERFULLY SCRIPTED AND EXECUTED STORYLINE I HAVE EVER SEEN. My honest, absolutely blunt and un-filtered opinion about this film is that it 73hjdfb ay fgelabfd y f89a e k fa;hd faggdad95.

The carrot at the end of the stick, so to speak, is the mystery of what exactly is the plot. You keep watching the film because you want to know certain fundamental things: Who is it that is ordering Jerry and Rachel around? Are Jerry and Rachel ultimately being used by the Good Guys or the Bad Guys? What is it that THEY are ultimately trying to accomplish through Jerry and Rachel's involvement? Is Big Brother really this powerful? Who in their right mind, having a surname of "LaBeouf", would name their son "Shia", and then encourage him to get his name up in lights?

Yes, much of this film is implausible (NO IT ISN'T! THEY ARE ALL-POWERFUL!), so get ready to suspend disbelief for a while. That comes with the territory, I guess, and that's why we watch movies in the first place, I think. We like a bit of "no way" to break up the predictability. However, when all the shooting, jumping, stammering, running, sweating, yelling, and techno-terrorizing is over, the grand finale is going to strike you as somehow ... familiar. Even "borrowed". Perhaps even "plagiarized from another movie or movies". (EXCEPT THAT THIS MOVIE IS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL AND BRILLIANT, AND ALL OTHER FILMS PALE IN COMPARISON)

In other words, I enjoyed the film while it was happening, even if I did shake my head a few times and laugh, and when it was all over I rolled my eyes and said, "Ok, that was entertaining, but seriously, HOW WILL I EVER FIND ANOTHER MOVIE THAT COMES CLOSE TO THIS MOVIE'S PERFECTION?" So go for it - it's a cheap rental, and you'll probably have some fun watching it, despite the fact that Shia LaBeouf is, technically, in the film.

Title: The Tale of Despereaux
MPAA: G
Runtime: 100 minutes
Director: Sam Fell, Robert Stevenhagen

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Despereaux is a classic story about ... about ... actually, I have no idea what this story was about. Despite its "classic" feel, despite the way it presented itself as something familiar, there was not a whole lot of core here.

Not that it was a bad movie. The animation was great. The voice acting was well-placed. The story was ... well, it was there.

Perhaps a simple plot summary would help: the kingdom of Dor loves soup, rain, and light (I think). But when a rat-based accident ruins the annual soup festival - and ruins it in a way that isn't entirely appropriate for a small children's movie - soup is outlawed, and rats are outlawed, and somehow this leads to the cessation of both light and rain. Throw in a superfluous dose of Slave Girl Who Wants to be Princess and Who Also Has a Father She Never Knew But Will Know by the End of the Movie, and you have something of the plot.

I think the point of Despereaux was that people make mistakes, people get hurt, and people act in hurtful ways because of their own hurt, but forgiveness is more powerful than any of that. Also, if you don't eat soup, then it will never rain again, and you will never see the sun for as long as you live.

Now, looking back on those last two paragraphs, you must be asking yourself: what the hell does this have to do with all those previews I saw, the ones with the extra-large-eared mouse who has no fear of anything? Exactly. Somehow or other, Despereaux, the big-eared mouse with loads of courage, is the spaghetti noodle that holds the whole plot together. And that's just great, until you realize that you don't really need Despereaux to hold the plot together at all, because the storyline is convoluted enough and already too top-heavy with characters (the king, the princess, the chef, the chef's completely unexplainable Vegetable Demon who helps him with the cooking, the servant girl, the servant girl's father, the rat who doesn't act like a rat, the Rat King).

But why not? Throw in a mouse, who is not a rat, but who is also not a mouse in his heart, and yet still is not a man either. He'll hold the whole story together.

The geography is similarly confused, I might add. With names like "Despereaux", "Antoinette", and "Andre" being tossed around like, I don't know, something that gets tossed around a lot, you'd think we were basically in France. But you would be wrong, and that's why I'm writing this review, and you are not. No, we are not in France, or anyplace else that might be considered predominately French, because we also have a "Roscuro", a "Boldo", a "Pietro", and the aforementioned Veggie Demon, who insists on using unmistakably Italian phrases. Aha! But that's not all! We also have the servant girl and her father, the jailer, who call themselves "Miggery" and "Gregory", and who speak in what is immediately identifiable as honest-to-god Bowe-bell Cockney.

What gives, Movie? Where are we? What story is this? Why do we have a mouse with a French name who invites (loose) comparison to Don Quixote, a princess who calls herself Princess Pea, a chef called Andre whose obsession with the perfect soup would have in itself been enough for a good plot-line, but whose connection with rats and mice nearly cries out for negative comparison with Ratatouille?

At least the animation was good. And while the plots and subplots and sub-subplots seem to be more numerous than the rats and mice that support them, and while the whole thing holds together like a Jenga tower at the end of the game, your kids probably won't notice this. They'll watch the action, they'll cheer for the big-eared Despereaux, they'll hate the Rat King (or whatever the hell his official title is - probably something equally incongruous, like Grand Dragon Rat), they'll love the princess, and so on and so on.

I have also heard that the book was, as is so often the case, better than the film, and much more coherent. I plan on picking up a copy immediately. We'll see if the written version has any extra substance that might have helped the movie make more sense.

So it was an "ok" movie. My kids liked it (especially when Despereaux used his big ears to fly, not that you should in any way think of Dumbo when this happens). It was generally familiar, and for that reason, comfortable. Hey, it beats The Day the Earth Never Was in Any Actual Danger of Standing Still.

+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

Title: Nothing Like the Holidays
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 140 minutes
Director: Alfredo De Villa

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Pour yourself a stiff egg-nog and Cuervo, because we're going to spend Christmas with the Rodriguez clan. This Puerto Rican family living in Chicago's west side has enough dysfunction to make sure everyone gets a healthy serving, and by the time the last character has vented his or her Hispanic spleen, you and I will be trading out the egg-nog for harder stuff. This movie backs up the truck and unloads crate after crate of Awkward, whole skids of Uncomfortable, and a few 50-gallon drums of High-Strung Agitation. And that's just the first half of the film.

This family has it all: a shell-shocked younger brother just back from the war, mainlining high-octane Survivor's Remorse; a drifting and rootless sister struggling to break into a film career; an "ethnically intense" meddling mother whose mission appears to be racial stereotype preservation; and a Bodega-owning father who just wants to see his family together, and to pass on his family business to one of his sons.

Unfortunately, the free-for-all engagement of the various family disputes, and the outing of numerous historical skeletons hitherto safely hidden in their proper closets, is so terrifyingly realistic and palpable that the average viewer will probably feel like he is intruding on what should be private conversations. To put it succinctly: you will want to work up a few fake coughs, check your watch, make some kind of polite excuse, and gracefully take your leave of the movie. Unless, of course, you are the kind of morbid and sadistic viewer whose idea of a good time is watching people work through their dysfunctions in a holiday setting; in which case, grab another bag of lightly salted Self-Abuse and strap yourself in. You'll be here a while.

A few things that I learned from this movie:

- It is, in fact, quite possible to make Luiz Guzman (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love) even more irritating than he normally is. Simply cast him as a gay character, add a lisp to his already barely-comprehensible line delivery, and augment his super-charged Latino flamboyance with an even more gaudy homosexual style

- John Leguizamo (Moulin Rouge, The Take, The Happening) still has an incredibly abundant face, and he isn't afraid to point it at you without remorse

- Alfred Molina (Spiderman 2, The Da Vinci Code) should never, ever be allowed to appear on screen in his underwear

- The same goes for Mr. Leguizamo

In the end, the Rodriguez family manages to work everything out, but they do in a fashion about as predictable and stale as ... (note to self: think up a clever analogy with which to end this review).

+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

Title: The Day the Earth Stood Still
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 110 minutes
Director: Scott Derrickson

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

As I write this review, I am amply surrounded by several hundred recently-purchased leafy green plants, numerous containers of fresh dirt, a variety of small and furry animals, and a handful of large aquarii aquarae aquariumses fish tanks containing various forms of sea creatures.

In short, this movie has changed my life.

Gone are the days when I would routinely host medium-to-large sized dinner parties, with seven-course meals featuring (only in part, mind you) Spotted Owl breast sauteed in Humpback Whale fat and presented in lightly-baked dolphin skin wrap, Polar Bear tenderloin garnished with Aleutian Shield Fern leaves, and Ozark Bat pancreas seasoned with crushed Gowen Cypress Root, all served on genuine Desert Tortoise shell plateware, and tiny forks carved of genuine Asian Elephant tusk ivory (Bengal White Tiger claw toothpicks are available, should you need to remove any of the fern leaves from between your teeth).

Yes, my former behaviors must change, because, according to The Day the Earth Stood Still, we (by which I mean "you", since I've changed my habits) are killing the earth, and the aliens are fed up with us (I still mean "you") over the whole thing. In fact, we (again, "you") have to die, so bad has the situation degenerated. It's the only way to save the planet.

Actually, I take it all back. The Day the Earth Stood Still (TDtESS) is a horribly mistitled movie, because at no point during the film is the earth ever in danger of standing still. The earth's people are threatened with destruction, yes, but there is not so much as a whisper of a threat that the planet will cease its motion.

TDtESS confirms what most of us suspected: Keanu Reeves is not of this planet. Mr. Reeves turns in his usual lethargic performance, emptying entire clips of expressionless dialog and stone-faced stars right into the audience's chest. Appropriately, the lion's share of his scripted lines contain no more than three-to-four words at a time ("I have to go", "Drive there", "I can't tell you", "It won't", and so forth), which makes for a perfect marriage of actor and script.



The incredibly-talented Jaden Smith plays the role of Dakota Fanning and Haley Joel Osment, filling every conceivable gap in which the plot might have lacked a whiny, bratty, disrespectful pre-teen character to hurl defiant expressions. His performance is so stunningly realistic that you will undoubtedly fantasize about grabbing the scruff of his cocky little neck and slapping him without ceasing.

The real action of the film takes place in a few critically-placed on-screen dialogs that brim with philosophical utterances, one of which finally presents itself as the movie's unforgettable tag-line: "at the precipice, we change." This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that the key conversation in which this axiom appears takes place between Keanu Reeves and (wait for it) John Cleese. I dare you to find two characters less likely to engage in scholastic debate. A more realistic dialog between these two cast members might go something like this:

Reeves: "I don't understand."

Cleese: "Oh, come off it, you stupid git! I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

Reeves: "I'm sorry."

Cleese: "Yes, sorry! Sorry, everyone! I do get carried away sometimes! Now, listen closely and please try to understand before one of us dies, it's really quite simple: my hovercraft is full of eels."

Reeves: "Whoa."

Cleese: "Right. Stop this, it's gotten completely silly. And now for something completely different ..."

In summary: Hollywood once again wishes us to know that we are all a bunch of self-absorbed and reckless cretins, whose most readily-identifiable characteristic is our lack of any sort of self-preservation instinct (your ticket stub to TDtESS will suffice as proof). We are a threat to this planet, although no one is exactly sure how or what to do about it. What is certain, however, is that if we do not clean up our collective act, some alien race out there in the cosmos is bound to send Keanu Reeves our way, and then ... well, God help us all.

This scenario, of course, assumes that David Scarpa (screenplay) is correct, and M. Night Shyteyerself is wrong; otherwise, don't bother worrying about an impending invasion of the alien police to protect the planet from its inhabitants, because the plants themselves will rise up and kill us all before it ever gets that bad.


+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

Title: The Happening
MPAA: R
Runtime: 91 minutes
Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

M. Night Shyamalan (first name: "Mid") has offered the viewing public a sled-load of steaming crap-cakes, and I would like to offer him a heartfelt "bite me." His latest offering, The Happening, is misleadingly titled; it probably should have been called The Not Happening, Ever. Better yet, it should have been called The Waiting, because that's what the viewer spends most of this film doing: waiting for something to (please, please, dear God) happen.

Let me see if I can summarize the plot, as I understood it by the end of the film:

- In Central Park, people are acting weird - in fact, they're killing themselves (probably in a desperate attempt to get out of being in this movie)
- Obviously, then, something seems to be happening, but no one is sure what it is
- Mark Wahlberg is a science teacher, who has a math teacher with a very large face for a friend, and together they intend to find out what is happening
- Incidents of Escape-the-Movie-by-Suicide begin to spread to the surrounding areas: Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Rhode Island, etc.
- Mark Wahlberg does a lot of traveling with his wife, trying to escape from the movie. He also whines a lot while doing it.
- More suicides - really graphic, outlandish, sensational suicides, the details of which are not spared the audience in the slightest by the increasingly-weird M. Night Shyamalan
- Mark Wahlberg continues whining, running, and looking confused and helpless
- Vast amounts of film are wasted on scenes of discussion, in which various theories concerning the happening are explored at length
- More Wahlbergian whining and running, as the suicide rate skyrockets (my theory: the more Marky-Mark sniffles and hyperventilates, the less his traveling companions desire to live, and thus they throw themselves under running lawn mowers, shoot themselves, leap off of buildings, and so forth)
- Wahlberg and his space-eyed wife meet a freaky old farm lady, who must shoulder the very large burden of providing all of the suspense for the film
- The film ends with thinly-disguised commercial probably paid for by Greenpeace

Over the years, we've all come to expect the Shyamalian last-minute plot twists: The Sixth Sense (he's dead?!), Unbreakable (ahhh, he's the villain!), Signs (she wasn't losing her mind, she was predicting the future!), The Village (they're highly-cloistered freaks?! That's the explanation?!). Even Lady in the Water had its redeeming qualities, keeping the audience guessing about which character fit where in the puzzle of the fairy-tale's dramatis personae. The twist came when the script revealed that no one fit in quite where you expected.

But with The Happening, there is none of this. The mystery of the source of the ever-spreading suicides is basically revealed less than halfway into the film, and no plot twist comes along at the end to turn the viewer's world upside down and create that lovely feeling of disorientation. It just ... ends. With a lame save-the-planet lecture, no less.


So here's what you should do: send me the $7.50 you were going to spend on your ticket to see this film, and I'll give you the same content and message in a fraction of the time (so you can get right back to doing more important things, like finding ingenious uses for all that congealed bacon grease you've been saving in a coffee can under the sink). Here it is:

- Recycle
- Respect the Ozone
- Reduce your carbon footprint
- Stop chopping down trees
- Save the planet

There. And you didn't even have to put up with Mark Wahlberg whining and crying at you for 90 minutes. You can thank me later.

UPDATED

This movie was really, really bad. I saw the movie in the theater months ago, and I still have bruises. Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce the arrival of the one thing that might stand a chance against this steaming pile of ... well, you get my drift. I am referring, of course, to the RiffTrax audio commentary on The Never Did Manage to Actually Happen.



Get your mp3 download today, and be sure to add "Why're you eyeing my lemon drink?" to your arsenal of bad movie catch-phrases.

Title: The Day the Earth Stopped
MPAA: Unrated
Runtime: 90 minutes
Director: C. Thomas Howell

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

The Day the Earth Stopped (The Asylum Home Entertainment, 2008) should not be confused with the similarly named The Day the Earth Stood Still. The latter film describes the day in which the earth ceased to move, whereas the former film describes the day in which the earth just ... stopped. I'm not sure exactly what it stopped doing; that's anyone's guess.

The plot is beautifully simple. Aliens invade the earth with the intention of destroying it, because this little planet of ours poses some generic, unspecified threat to the universe. The aliens, of course, land in the United States of America. Not China, not Germany, not Africa, or any other number of equally logical choices - no, the aliens always ultimately center on the USA.

Ah, but wait! There is a plot twist! One of the aliens, who takes the flaming hot form of Sinead McCafferty (Days of Our Lives, Street Racer), has been sent as a kind of ambassador, to discover if there is indeed value in human life. If the Vaguely Employed as an Officer of Some Government Agency hero-type guy can convince the sensitive alien ambassador that humanity has value, then the attack will be called off. Apparently, this highly-advanced alien race (which can read minds, restore life, and harness the power of Life Force in general) sucks at reconnaissance, and determined to destroy the planet without doing the necessary initial leg-work.

In other words, the aliens want to destroy earth (by making it "stop") because earth has become a cosmic threat; however, if the earthlings can show that there's something warm and gooey in the center of this thing called Human Existence, then the aliens will continue allowing the earth to drain its sweaty, sebaceous, epidermal secretions into the Universal Hot-tub.

I thought it made great sense.

The only thing that stops in this movie is the script. There are incredibly long spans of time in which nothing is said, no dialog is spoken, and Spielbergian levels of looking are achieved. I treated these moments as wonderfully welcome periods of relief, and learned to look forward to them.

Let me just cut to the moral message of the movie and spare you the time you would otherwise waste watching this movie: stop being a threat to the other planets, ok, Earth? We need to live in harmony with each other, yes, but also with the entire cosmos. What it is we might possibly be doing wrong on this front isn't exactly clear, since we've never actually made contact with alien life, but rest assured: when whatever we're doing wrong gets to be too much for the rest of the universe to put up with, The Alien Police will certainly let us know, and will probably kill us all. Don't say you weren't warned.

(PS - Sinead McCafferty grants the audience an extended and completely gratuitous view of her pillowy, large, be-nippled breasts, and she is courteous enough to do so before the viewer gets even three minutes into the film. Depending on your POV, this either semi-redeems the movie, or only tarnishes it further. Again, you've been warned.)