Title: Avatar
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 162 minutes
Director: James Cameron

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

James Cameron wanted me to let you all know that, in addition to being "the king of the world", he is now also the king of Pandora. That, of course, is the name given to the moon associated with the planet Polyphemus in Mr. King of the Galaxy's new movie, Avatar. An Avatar is, of course, the binary and digital equivalent of an "AKA", which itself is just an acronymic way of saying "I can't stand on my own two feet, so I'll adopt a more exciting alter-ego".

In this rather bizarre and "meta" way, Avatar is indeed a real avatar: pretending to be its own movie, it is, in fact, a fascinating cross-cut blend of several other films, including Fernfully, Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Apocalypto, and maybe a bit of Braveheart. However, since Avatar dresses up its brazen plagiarism with some absolutely stunning and spectacular digital imagery and special effects, we'll give it a pass and probably even hand it some academy awards.

A quick synopsis, then: we Americans are a greedy, unfeeling, insensitive bunch of chunk-heads who have no appreciation whatsoever for other cultures, let alone other planets. We frequently go around with actual dollar signs flashing out of our eye sockets, and we will stop at nothing to make a lot of money very quickly. Thus, the RDA Corporation has set out on a mining expedition to Pandora, where it will blow stuff up, kill innocent life-forms, and generally make a drunken fool of itself in the quest to obtain a valuable mineral called ... wait for it ... unobtainium. Please, stop laughing, Mr. Cameron can hear you.

One of the ways the RDA Corporation intends to get this unobtanium (genus: nowaytoprocuremal) is to infiltrate the native Na'vi people using "avatars" - a human-Na'vi hybrid, specially built for the purpose, and operated by human beings using slightly upgraded The Matrix technology. Seriously, you jerks, quit laughing, this is serious art.

Jake Scully operates the lone avatar that is successful in being accepted by the Na'vi people, and this forms the basis for the movie's morality tale: once Jake gets to know and love the Na'vi (because you just know he will), will he remain loyal to the humans and help them rape the land, or will he become a traitor to his race by helping the Na'vi preserve their civilization? I'll bet you really can't guess, can you?

I liked the film, in a sort of "3 stars out of 5" way. As promised, the CGI and digital effects show was very good, and the epic battle at the end of the film was as epic-y and battle-ish as anyone could want. My point of contention is that James Cameron carved up an over-used story, threw in some seriously shameless and pedantic political propaganda, and used that as an excuse to put on a digital dog-and-pony show.

The Na'vi prance around in their skimpy outfits, with their long and braided hair, worshiping the Mother Nature Goddess Life Energy Force and living off the resources of the land - and they have a pretty catchy war-cry, to boot. You can go ahead and mentally supply the eagle-feather warbonnets and tomahawk dancing.

As the unapologetically mercenary humans prepare to go to war against the Na'vi, their actions are justified as "pre-emptive", and described as a "shock and awe" campaign. Jake complains that we humans have already killed our Mother (earth, I think, although he may have been talking about Mother Teresa), and declares that human beings must be taught that we cannot simply take land away from other civilizations in order to get what we want.

In short, as the climactic battle begins, and the war cry is sounded, the average viewer will be so fired up and emotionally provoked that he may very well leap up out of his theater seat, raise his fists into the air, and scream "DEATH TO THE HUMANS!" Presumably, he will then return to his seat and continue consuming his 885 oz. Pepsi and 50-gallon drum of popcorn, little realizing that he has just sided against his own race in favor of a fictional, digital, alien community.

I fail to understand why James Cameron chose the American people as the antagonists in this film. After all, he was writing a story line that simply needed to pit humans against aliens, but out of all the cultures and races on Planet Earth from which to choose, he selected Americans. Obviously, Mr. Cameron has not watched enough Bugs Bunny or Connery-era 007 films, or he would have known that the nationalities preferred for representing Evil Incarnate in cinema are Russians or Germans.

I can only conclude that James Cameron is himself an alien, currently operating a genetically engineered human avatar, sent here to infiltrate our planet and prepare us for the coming alien invasion by filling us with self-loathing.

Still, he's doing it with some fantastic special effects, so ... who cares? Pass the popcorn.

++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

* Opening credits rolling, already weeping @ the sheer beauty of the angelic AND demonic

* Science creates the anti-matter bomb, way more dangerous than the nuclear bomb. This just proves that science is evil.

* Illuminati = mathematicians, scientists, astronomers. So basically, nerds.

* Illuminati = scientists. Also Illuminati = murdering kidnappers, in this movie. So again, science is evil.

* So far, droplets of showing, boatloads of telling.

* Tom Hanks is doing a great job as Nicholas Cage, the Guy Who Solves All the Riddles Before the Audience Cares

* Seriously, these riddles need more time to capture audience interest, before being so quickly solved & discarded

* Do I really have to listen to a preachy speech on Science & Religion delivered by ... Ewan Mac?! Obi Wan?!

* Havent seen this much Cardinal ass-kicking since the 1985 world series.

* Guy 2 rows down has a Blackberry, which probably means he is Illuminati. Going 2 kill him just in case.

* Idiots. That's the FIRST place I would have looked for the bomb.

* A plot twist bound up in a loophole in an obscure Church document. Riveting.

* Oh, Movie. You want me to believe the Church is evil. But you already convinced me that Science is evil. Silly Movie.

* Ok. Good book, too hard to cram into film. Solid effort, though. 3 of 5 stars.

* Mandatory plug: go visit www.celebrationcinema.com

Title: Eagle Eye
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 118 minutes
Director: DJ Caruso

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Hey. Psst!!! Quick, over here! I want to say a few things about this new-on-DVD movie, Eagle Eye, but I have to be short and to the point - THEY are watching. You know who I mean ... THEY. The ones who killed JFK and covered it up; the ones who know the truth about Area 52 (yeah, that's right, they only want you to think it's called "Area 51" - don't be so naive my friend); the ones who arranged the sinking of the Titanic (the movie, that is, not the actual boat); the VERY SAME "they" who are probably, right this moment, adjusting the browning level on your toaster by just a fraction of a percent, so that you will be vaguely aware in the morning that something about your breakfast is slightly off, though you will be unsure of exactly what it is, and this will cause you to go about the rest of your day with a nagging sense of unsettledness about life in general.

Yes, THEY are watching. And THEY are observing us right now, so again, I must be brief, and I must speak in very guarded and coded language about this movie, because THEY will be very angry if I say anything critical about it.

Jerry Shaw is the central character, MAGNIFICENTLY played by the hyper-active, fidgety, and stammeringly WONDERFUL Shia LaBeouf (literally, "I am terrified of the beef"). Jerry and his female counterpart, Rachel (Michelle Monaghan), run around the countryside in a frantic and nervous fashion, taking orders from a cell phone.

Actually, to be more exact, they receive their instructions from a female voice over a cell phone, and this female voice is the voice of THEM, which I believe to be ultimately traceable to and identifiable with ahdhakwe ad;h2hge2 jfkhgip8ef nahg83 ad;gy8hajfhdjvnn.

As is appropriate for a techno-thriller of this sort, THEY keep tabs on and communicate with Jerry and Rachel through every technological means possible: street-level video cameras, GPS devices, cell phones (even ones belonging to other people), computer usage, the drive-through speaker at Wendy's, digital marquee signs, computer-controlled traffic lights, and Facebook application requests ("You have one Be a Pawn in Our National Conspiracy or We're Going to Kill Your Family request pending"). Perhaps the most chilling scene in the entire movie is when THEY remotely seize control of Jerry's iPhone and force him to watch countless hours of M. Night Shyamalan films. (You don't find that terrifying? Have you ever actually watched a Shyamalan film after you already know what the "twist" is going to be?!)

There is plenty of running around, driving real fast, blowing stuff up, motor-mouthing (thanks to Mr. The Beef, whose most memorable lines are, as usual, "No, waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!!!" and "Come on, movemovemovemovemovemovemovemove!!!"), and crashing through glass. Side characters are brought in by the box-load, and then quickly killed off by THEM before you get a chance to become attached (or even care), in order to keep you, the audience, fully aware of how suspenseful and thrilling this movie is. IT IS THE MOST MASTERFULLY SCRIPTED AND EXECUTED STORYLINE I HAVE EVER SEEN. My honest, absolutely blunt and un-filtered opinion about this film is that it 73hjdfb ay fgelabfd y f89a e k fa;hd faggdad95.

The carrot at the end of the stick, so to speak, is the mystery of what exactly is the plot. You keep watching the film because you want to know certain fundamental things: Who is it that is ordering Jerry and Rachel around? Are Jerry and Rachel ultimately being used by the Good Guys or the Bad Guys? What is it that THEY are ultimately trying to accomplish through Jerry and Rachel's involvement? Is Big Brother really this powerful? Who in their right mind, having a surname of "LaBeouf", would name their son "Shia", and then encourage him to get his name up in lights?

Yes, much of this film is implausible (NO IT ISN'T! THEY ARE ALL-POWERFUL!), so get ready to suspend disbelief for a while. That comes with the territory, I guess, and that's why we watch movies in the first place, I think. We like a bit of "no way" to break up the predictability. However, when all the shooting, jumping, stammering, running, sweating, yelling, and techno-terrorizing is over, the grand finale is going to strike you as somehow ... familiar. Even "borrowed". Perhaps even "plagiarized from another movie or movies". (EXCEPT THAT THIS MOVIE IS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL AND BRILLIANT, AND ALL OTHER FILMS PALE IN COMPARISON)

In other words, I enjoyed the film while it was happening, even if I did shake my head a few times and laugh, and when it was all over I rolled my eyes and said, "Ok, that was entertaining, but seriously, HOW WILL I EVER FIND ANOTHER MOVIE THAT COMES CLOSE TO THIS MOVIE'S PERFECTION?" So go for it - it's a cheap rental, and you'll probably have some fun watching it, despite the fact that Shia LaBeouf is, technically, in the film.

Title: The Tale of Despereaux
MPAA: G
Runtime: 100 minutes
Director: Sam Fell, Robert Stevenhagen

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Despereaux is a classic story about ... about ... actually, I have no idea what this story was about. Despite its "classic" feel, despite the way it presented itself as something familiar, there was not a whole lot of core here.

Not that it was a bad movie. The animation was great. The voice acting was well-placed. The story was ... well, it was there.

Perhaps a simple plot summary would help: the kingdom of Dor loves soup, rain, and light (I think). But when a rat-based accident ruins the annual soup festival - and ruins it in a way that isn't entirely appropriate for a small children's movie - soup is outlawed, and rats are outlawed, and somehow this leads to the cessation of both light and rain. Throw in a superfluous dose of Slave Girl Who Wants to be Princess and Who Also Has a Father She Never Knew But Will Know by the End of the Movie, and you have something of the plot.

I think the point of Despereaux was that people make mistakes, people get hurt, and people act in hurtful ways because of their own hurt, but forgiveness is more powerful than any of that. Also, if you don't eat soup, then it will never rain again, and you will never see the sun for as long as you live.

Now, looking back on those last two paragraphs, you must be asking yourself: what the hell does this have to do with all those previews I saw, the ones with the extra-large-eared mouse who has no fear of anything? Exactly. Somehow or other, Despereaux, the big-eared mouse with loads of courage, is the spaghetti noodle that holds the whole plot together. And that's just great, until you realize that you don't really need Despereaux to hold the plot together at all, because the storyline is convoluted enough and already too top-heavy with characters (the king, the princess, the chef, the chef's completely unexplainable Vegetable Demon who helps him with the cooking, the servant girl, the servant girl's father, the rat who doesn't act like a rat, the Rat King).

But why not? Throw in a mouse, who is not a rat, but who is also not a mouse in his heart, and yet still is not a man either. He'll hold the whole story together.

The geography is similarly confused, I might add. With names like "Despereaux", "Antoinette", and "Andre" being tossed around like, I don't know, something that gets tossed around a lot, you'd think we were basically in France. But you would be wrong, and that's why I'm writing this review, and you are not. No, we are not in France, or anyplace else that might be considered predominately French, because we also have a "Roscuro", a "Boldo", a "Pietro", and the aforementioned Veggie Demon, who insists on using unmistakably Italian phrases. Aha! But that's not all! We also have the servant girl and her father, the jailer, who call themselves "Miggery" and "Gregory", and who speak in what is immediately identifiable as honest-to-god Bowe-bell Cockney.

What gives, Movie? Where are we? What story is this? Why do we have a mouse with a French name who invites (loose) comparison to Don Quixote, a princess who calls herself Princess Pea, a chef called Andre whose obsession with the perfect soup would have in itself been enough for a good plot-line, but whose connection with rats and mice nearly cries out for negative comparison with Ratatouille?

At least the animation was good. And while the plots and subplots and sub-subplots seem to be more numerous than the rats and mice that support them, and while the whole thing holds together like a Jenga tower at the end of the game, your kids probably won't notice this. They'll watch the action, they'll cheer for the big-eared Despereaux, they'll hate the Rat King (or whatever the hell his official title is - probably something equally incongruous, like Grand Dragon Rat), they'll love the princess, and so on and so on.

I have also heard that the book was, as is so often the case, better than the film, and much more coherent. I plan on picking up a copy immediately. We'll see if the written version has any extra substance that might have helped the movie make more sense.

So it was an "ok" movie. My kids liked it (especially when Despereaux used his big ears to fly, not that you should in any way think of Dumbo when this happens). It was generally familiar, and for that reason, comfortable. Hey, it beats The Day the Earth Never Was in Any Actual Danger of Standing Still.

+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.