The results are in: Benjamin "The Bradley" "Pitt-bull" Button has soundly defeated Claus "Thomas" "Waiting for Xenu" "Cruise-man" von Stauffenberg at the box office.

A short clip of the fight, captured by a hidden camera, is circulating around the Internet:



Congratulations, Sir Button. Of all the cases in the world, yours is decidedly the curious ... -er ... couriousest ... most curiousified.

Title: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 159 minutes
Director: David Fincher

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is the story of two people, Benjamin and Daisy, who are headed in completely opposite directions - chronologically speaking. Daisy was born a normal baby girl, whose body gets older with each passing day until she eventually grows up to be Cate Blanchett, at which time she must give shelter and gifts to Frodo and his companions, and also try to steal the Crystal Skull from Indiana Jones; Benjamin, on the other hand, was born an old man, whose body gets younger with each passing day until he eventually turns into Brad Pitt, a transformation which causes him to be immediately struck by a car, killed, and possessed by the Grim Reaper until he falls in love with Claire Forlani. This, as best as I can tell, is Benjamin's "curious case", although it is quite possible that I am incorrect, and that the truly curious case to which the movie alludes is Brad Pitt's unsettling resemblance to Robert Redford - a resemblance which is conclusively demonstrated below:

Please keep in mind that this movie is not to be confused with the story of one man's bizarre habit of conducting post-reconnaissance on banks he has already robbed (i.e., The Curious Casings of Benjamin Button), or with the story of an interior designer who insists on installing hinged, swinging window sashes so that they always opened inward instead of outward (i.e., The Curious Casements of Benjamin Button).

Benjamin Button is the focal point of the story, of course, because it's his name that is in the movie's title, but as I said, the story is really about Benjamin and Daisy, and the ways in which their paths intersect throughout their lives. The movie begins, in fact, with Daisy on her death bed, helping to re-tell Benjamin's story through a series of journal entries and memories. In other words, the movie steps up right from the bell-clang and delivers a serious roundhouse kick of Somber right to the side of your head, followed by several left jabs of Poignant Sorrow to your nose - and it doesn't stop whaling away for nearly three hours. I think there are more death scenes in this movie than in the entirety of Quentin Tarantino's body of work.

This is part of the reason why I disliked this film. It was top-heavy with melancholy wistfulness, but without ever delivering anything of substance, so that the viewer ultimately walks away from the film with a rather empty feeling. On top of that, the nature of the plot - an old-young man who falls in love with child, hooks up with her when their counter-aging meets in the middle, and ends as a young-old man in love with an old woman - was just a wee bit creepy. Ann Hornaday of The Washington Post said in her review that "at its weakest 'Benjamin Button' hews too closely to [Forest] Gumpian schmaltz and easy sentiment", and she is correct. I will up the ante just slightly: Benjamin Button, with its "schmaltz" and uncomfortable creep-factor, is the love-child of Forest Gump and Harold and Maude.

On the plus side, the visual effects were pleasing; Brad Pitt does a very good job of playing a child stuck in an old man's body, keeping the childish mannerisms, facial expressions, and speech patterns very realistic; and the recurring "struck by lightning" gag (I will say no more) is good for a few laughs throughout the movie. However, the movie also loses points immediately for a) treating the audience to a gratuitous shot of Old Man Rump (which, for some reason, is expected to be immediately funny), and b) having a child blurt out the F-dash-dash-dash word (which is never funny, unless it is Samuel L. Jackson delivering the line).

I left the movie with several vaguely unsettling feelings. It was an entertaining film, in the same sense that watching a bearded midget woman with four legs juggle upside-down would be entertaining. Interesting, yes, but with just a bit too much Nightmare Kindling thrown in. And with the heavy undercurrent of unsubstantiated nostalgia running throughout the film, the end result was a feeling of resigned sadness (with a sprinkle of "ewww" on top).

If you do go to see the movie, make sure you have a Forest Gump chaser close at hand to help cleanse the palate.

+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.

Title: Burn After Reading
MPAA: R
Runtime: 96 minutes
Director: Joel and Ethan Coen

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

When I review movies, I always like to start out with some kind of synopsis (from two Greek words, "syno", meaning "arbitrarily concise", and "psis", meaning "stuff I made up"). I won't lie to you: I watched Burn After Reading almost four days ago, and I have been sitting in front of my computer ever since, hands on the keyboard, trying to think of some way to summarize the plot. I'm getting very hungry, and the lack of sleep is starting to cause hallucinations (for example, I watched M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, and it appeared as though there was no "twist" at the end of the movie, which is impossible), so this is the synopsis I'm willing to go with:

"Burn After Reading is a movie. There are a crap-load of characters, all of whom will remind you of someone you know. Stuff happens to these characters. Then more stuff happens. Then there are so many freaking sub-plots crawling up out of the floor, the drain, the base-boards, and the vents, all vying for primary status and attempting to kill off the other sub-plots, and just when you're about to call in the exterminator because you can't keep track of what's going on, somehow one of the sub-plots emerges as the Dominant, which then viciously slaughters and consumes the others, and quietly returns to the hole from whence it came."

There you have it. A perfectly accurate synopsis that somehow manages not to squeak out even the slightest whiff of a plot spoiler. You can worship me later.

The point is, the Coen Brothers are amazing. And Burn After Reading is so multi-layered, with so many cross-threads and connecting points in its convoluted story, you will be applauding when the Brothers Coen manage to pull it all together in the end (please make sure you are alone - it can be embarrassing to start spontaneously applauding in public). If you know anything about the Coen Brothers' corpus of cinematic literature (Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy, The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Miller's Crossing, No Country for Old Men, etc.), then you know what to expect here - although, with some slight variations.

The Coen films are usually a bit on the dark side, and Burn is no exception, although it somehow feels a bit more polished than other Coen films. Not by much, just a bit. You can expect dialog that is unbelievably real, you can expect scenes to linger over real-life details (the Coen Brothers don't do "sound-byte" scenes), you can expect some top-notch performances, you can expect a wee bit of gore and violence, and you can expect to laugh out loud at some of the story's incredible situations and the way the characters deal with those situations.

John Malkovich is great in this film (as the washed up CIA agent who needs new direction), because he is allowed to be Malkovich; the movie cries out for some seriously over-the-top Malkovich-ing, and no one does a better John Malkovich than John Malkovich. George Clooney is hilarious as the paranoid womanizer - his facial expressions and inflection are, at times, cartoonishly funny. J.K. Simmons (you know him as J. Jonah Jameson, editor extraordinaire, in the Spiderman movies) has a bit role as the CIA Superior that affords him maybe three or four scenes, which is a shame - his performance is probably the show-stealer. Brad Pitt is also in his element as the slightly off-his-nut and flighty gym trainer, turning in some surprisingly funny moments.

Now then. I've praised Burn for its pleasantly complex story, its very believable realism, and the performances put in by the quite talented cast. But the Coen Brothers are always, always going to be comparable to British beer: it's strong, it's dark, it makes you burp, it can give you nightmares, it's very hearty and substantive, but if you're used to draining pop-top cans of Carbonated American Horse Urine (an image not at all intended to conjure up associations with the Clydesdales that are the well-known mascot of a certain American brewing company), then the British beer is going to seem harsh and bitter. The Coen Brothers take some getting used to (I recommend popping a few antacids before you start the film).

I'm not sure if it's because the Coen Brothers aren't afraid to show humanity on film, and humanity is (let's face it) pretty ugly sometimes, or if it's because the Coen Brothers like to inject a few radical and extreme elements into their stories to keep audiences on their toes (call it "shock factor"), but their movies can be a bit off-putting at times. As good as Burn is, it has a lot of crude language, a few quick injections of rather gruesome violence, and some sexual content that features ... well ... I can't say it out loud, so I'll just wink and clear my throat loudly, and then say, Don't go Inside Larry and Don's Optometry supply Store, ok? OK?! (If you still don't get it, I can draw you a picture)

Still ... if you've been suffering through "comedies" like Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Step Brothers, The Love Guru, and You Don't Mess with the Zohan, then I think Burn After Reading will be a welcome breath of fresh air. Lots of good stuff here, and if you watch it with a group of other people, there will be plenty of topics for discussion after the film (not the least of which will be, "Gosh, Brad Pitt seemed really natural in that role ... do you think he's a Poofter?").

Blatant Commercial



Rent Burn After Reading using Netflix! Unless you have been living in the back seat of your car for the past several years, you know that Netflix is a movie-rental service that allows you to receive your movies in the mail, with no fear of ever paying late fees (and if you have been living in the back seat of your car, that's still no excuse - paint an address on the side of your vehicle-house and Netflix will find you). Sign up with Netflix, because under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should you give Blockbuster a single dime of your hard-earned money.