Dirty cops. Minority criminals. Lots of shooting and cursing. All of this and more can be yours for just two hours of your precious time. Actually, there isn't really any "more" to Pride and Glory, so this is all you get for your money.

The movie begins with a cops vs. cops football game, which was probably a bad move, because watching the game unfold just made me want to eat chips, drink beer, and fall asleep on the couch with one arm dangling to the floor, the remote control loosely gripped in my weary hand. Unfortunately, the movie never recovers from this opening blunder.

For most of the film, I felt as though I had been dropped squarely in the middle of an already-established plot line, but without the benefit of knowing any of the backstory. This left the script free to pummel me with spoonfuls of information that seemed like it was probably important, while never revealing to me what was actually going on. Thankfully, the dialog more than made up for this gap by presenting me with generous portions of well-worn cliches, including the requisite "good cop" who has some mysterious and generic "bad thing" from his past, a thing which he is still not quite over. Don't worry about what the "bad thing" is, just try to enter into the character's angst and internal struggle.

Take this basic principle and apply it to the entire movie, and you will get a pretty good idea of why Pride and Glory is a film that fails to be either proud or glorious. For most of the viewing, the movie grips the strings of the heart and pulls them violently, but never indicates what those strings are attached to, leaving the viewer with nothing but a consistent (and confusing) pulling sensation. It was as if the movie kept repeatedly inviting me to come inside for a few drinks, but never gave me a compelling reason to accept the invitation.

At about 45 minutes into the film, the body of a dead drug dealer is found, but the police are unsure "where he fits in"; a witness is questioned, but is declared to be "scattered" in her answers; then follows a funeral procession/parade played out in interminable slow-motion. I believe that it was at this point that the movie became self-aware, and started sending me encoded messages: portions of the plot don't fit it, the direction of the storyline is scattered, and yet it marches on, slowly, unceasingly, toward its morbid conclusion.

One hour into the film, I just wanted out. Most of the story's "reveals" had been unveiled, and there was nothing left to do but watch the yarn unravel, blandly.

Title: Righteous Kill
MPAA: R
Runtime: 101 minutes
Director: Jon Avnet

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

New on DVD this week! A very stale story, supported by a clunky script, and subjected to an hour and forty-five minutes of attempted resuscitation by two very talented (if also very old) actors.

I know, I know - I really haven't narrowed the field of possibilities, have I?

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino play "Turk" and "Rooster" in Righteous Kill, the story of two cops - partners, of course - on the trail of a Vigilante Justice Killer with a rather high body-count, who may or may not be either Turk or Rooster. Please, don't laugh, I'm not making this up. John "Lispy" Leguizamo and Donnie "Get Me the Hell Out of this Saw Contract" Wahlberg play Detectives Riley and Perez, who are also on the trail of this serial killer, and who are more than a little suspicious that their "perp" (a police slang word meaning, "the perp") is himself a police officer.

Hilarious high-jinks ensue, followed by crazy antics, and a good deal of wacky horseplay throughout.

Not really. I just wanted to see what it would be like to actually write a sentence like that.

The dialog in this film is quite funny, but unintentionally so. For example, consider this actual sample, taken from a scene in which Lt. Hingis (played by the ample-necked Brian Dennehy) confronts Turk with the fact that the evidence is beginning to point in a Turk-ward direction:

Turk: Am I a suspect here, Lieutenant?

Lt. Hingis: No. But these bodies are starting to smell ... a lot of it is drifting in your direction.

Turk: Drifting? Or being pushed?

I'm not sure exactly what imagery writer Russell Gewirtz was trying to conjure up here, but the idea of decaying body-funk being pushed in any particular direction is disturbing. I can see the notion of an odor wafting or drifting one way or another, but being pushed? This will require a great deal of further reflection and, possibly, continued research.

The one line in the film that actually made me laugh out loud (or "had me ROTFLMAO", to use the current popular parlance) was delivered by that great orator and respected thespian, 50 Cent (not his real name, of course - his real name is Half Dollar):

Det. Riley: Do we have a deal or not?

Spider: Yeah ... but [if] your boy come in here and go Hannibal Lecter on my ass, I want Jody [edited]ing Foster comin' through the door!

Perhaps you had to be there.

There is a half-hearted attempt at a plot twist near the end, but unfortunately the script spends so much time blatantly telegraphing the punch that when it finally lands, it's already yesterday's news (unless you are eat-an-entire-pound-of-Fritos high, in which case, this movie - as well as anything you watch on QVC afterwards - will be extremely profound and entertaining).

De Niro is as good as he can be, given the circumstances, but I was very disappointed that Pacino didn't give his usual eccentric performance. It might have redeemed this movie somewhat if he had treated the audience to at least one good eye-bulging, red-faced, oddly punctuated tirade lightly seasoned with some well-worn cliches.

Save this one for when your only other option is Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and even then, it's probably best to just roll over and take a nap.

Title: The Day the Earth Stood Still
MPAA: PG-13
Runtime: 110 minutes
Director: Scott Derrickson

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

As I write this review, I am amply surrounded by several hundred recently-purchased leafy green plants, numerous containers of fresh dirt, a variety of small and furry animals, and a handful of large aquarii aquarae aquariumses fish tanks containing various forms of sea creatures.

In short, this movie has changed my life.

Gone are the days when I would routinely host medium-to-large sized dinner parties, with seven-course meals featuring (only in part, mind you) Spotted Owl breast sauteed in Humpback Whale fat and presented in lightly-baked dolphin skin wrap, Polar Bear tenderloin garnished with Aleutian Shield Fern leaves, and Ozark Bat pancreas seasoned with crushed Gowen Cypress Root, all served on genuine Desert Tortoise shell plateware, and tiny forks carved of genuine Asian Elephant tusk ivory (Bengal White Tiger claw toothpicks are available, should you need to remove any of the fern leaves from between your teeth).

Yes, my former behaviors must change, because, according to The Day the Earth Stood Still, we (by which I mean "you", since I've changed my habits) are killing the earth, and the aliens are fed up with us (I still mean "you") over the whole thing. In fact, we (again, "you") have to die, so bad has the situation degenerated. It's the only way to save the planet.

Actually, I take it all back. The Day the Earth Stood Still (TDtESS) is a horribly mistitled movie, because at no point during the film is the earth ever in danger of standing still. The earth's people are threatened with destruction, yes, but there is not so much as a whisper of a threat that the planet will cease its motion.

TDtESS confirms what most of us suspected: Keanu Reeves is not of this planet. Mr. Reeves turns in his usual lethargic performance, emptying entire clips of expressionless dialog and stone-faced stars right into the audience's chest. Appropriately, the lion's share of his scripted lines contain no more than three-to-four words at a time ("I have to go", "Drive there", "I can't tell you", "It won't", and so forth), which makes for a perfect marriage of actor and script.



The incredibly-talented Jaden Smith plays the role of Dakota Fanning and Haley Joel Osment, filling every conceivable gap in which the plot might have lacked a whiny, bratty, disrespectful pre-teen character to hurl defiant expressions. His performance is so stunningly realistic that you will undoubtedly fantasize about grabbing the scruff of his cocky little neck and slapping him without ceasing.

The real action of the film takes place in a few critically-placed on-screen dialogs that brim with philosophical utterances, one of which finally presents itself as the movie's unforgettable tag-line: "at the precipice, we change." This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that the key conversation in which this axiom appears takes place between Keanu Reeves and (wait for it) John Cleese. I dare you to find two characters less likely to engage in scholastic debate. A more realistic dialog between these two cast members might go something like this:

Reeves: "I don't understand."

Cleese: "Oh, come off it, you stupid git! I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

Reeves: "I'm sorry."

Cleese: "Yes, sorry! Sorry, everyone! I do get carried away sometimes! Now, listen closely and please try to understand before one of us dies, it's really quite simple: my hovercraft is full of eels."

Reeves: "Whoa."

Cleese: "Right. Stop this, it's gotten completely silly. And now for something completely different ..."

In summary: Hollywood once again wishes us to know that we are all a bunch of self-absorbed and reckless cretins, whose most readily-identifiable characteristic is our lack of any sort of self-preservation instinct (your ticket stub to TDtESS will suffice as proof). We are a threat to this planet, although no one is exactly sure how or what to do about it. What is certain, however, is that if we do not clean up our collective act, some alien race out there in the cosmos is bound to send Keanu Reeves our way, and then ... well, God help us all.

This scenario, of course, assumes that David Scarpa (screenplay) is correct, and M. Night Shyteyerself is wrong; otherwise, don't bother worrying about an impending invasion of the alien police to protect the planet from its inhabitants, because the plants themselves will rise up and kill us all before it ever gets that bad.


+++++++++++

This review was made possible in part by the generosity of Celebration Cinemas in Grand Rapids, MI. Feel like taking in a movie tonight? Celebration has a broad selection of films, stadium-style seating, a clean environment, and best of all, they never show commercials after the advertised showtime. Visit Celebration Cinemas online.