There are three things that can invade my dreams, rapidly turn them into nightmares, and cause me to wake up in a cold sweat, screaming my fool head off like a little girl (who has just been awakened from a nightmare that made her scream a lot).

Those three things are:



Wolf spiders. Eight-legged hunters with extremely good eyesight, which is to be expected, given that they have eight freakin' eyes. They will actually chase their prey, sometimes using GPS tracking and head-mounted flashlights. And did I mention they jump?! *shudder*



Clowns. Sorry, but clowns are contra-natural abominations conceived by Satan in the deepest pits of hell. If God had intended clowns to exist, He would have created albinos. Clowns are always smiling, their flaming hair rudely flaming at you in all of its threatening flamingness. They travel in groups, leaping out of cars when it suits their evil purposes. Freakish. Pure nightmare fuel.



Yes, I fear the hell out of coleslaw. "Coleslaw" is just a cutesy, made-up name for what it really is: cabbage salad. CABBAGE! Lettuce gone horribly wrong! No amount of mayonnaise can make it better, because in the end, it's still a dish that is far too friendly with vinegar. It needs to ferment before being served. And let's face it, coleslaw is just a hop, skip, and tiny jump away from sauerkraut, kim-chi, and other radio-active, cabbage-based appetizers. If you don't fear coleslaw, you're probably in the process of either a) hiring clowns for your next party, or b) sleeping with a wolf spider.