Title: Righteous Kill
MPAA: R
Runtime: 101 minutes
Director: Jon Avnet

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

New on DVD this week! A very stale story, supported by a clunky script, and subjected to an hour and forty-five minutes of attempted resuscitation by two very talented (if also very old) actors.

I know, I know - I really haven't narrowed the field of possibilities, have I?

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino play "Turk" and "Rooster" in Righteous Kill, the story of two cops - partners, of course - on the trail of a Vigilante Justice Killer with a rather high body-count, who may or may not be either Turk or Rooster. Please, don't laugh, I'm not making this up. John "Lispy" Leguizamo and Donnie "Get Me the Hell Out of this Saw Contract" Wahlberg play Detectives Riley and Perez, who are also on the trail of this serial killer, and who are more than a little suspicious that their "perp" (a police slang word meaning, "the perp") is himself a police officer.

Hilarious high-jinks ensue, followed by crazy antics, and a good deal of wacky horseplay throughout.

Not really. I just wanted to see what it would be like to actually write a sentence like that.

The dialog in this film is quite funny, but unintentionally so. For example, consider this actual sample, taken from a scene in which Lt. Hingis (played by the ample-necked Brian Dennehy) confronts Turk with the fact that the evidence is beginning to point in a Turk-ward direction:

Turk: Am I a suspect here, Lieutenant?

Lt. Hingis: No. But these bodies are starting to smell ... a lot of it is drifting in your direction.

Turk: Drifting? Or being pushed?

I'm not sure exactly what imagery writer Russell Gewirtz was trying to conjure up here, but the idea of decaying body-funk being pushed in any particular direction is disturbing. I can see the notion of an odor wafting or drifting one way or another, but being pushed? This will require a great deal of further reflection and, possibly, continued research.

The one line in the film that actually made me laugh out loud (or "had me ROTFLMAO", to use the current popular parlance) was delivered by that great orator and respected thespian, 50 Cent (not his real name, of course - his real name is Half Dollar):

Det. Riley: Do we have a deal or not?

Spider: Yeah ... but [if] your boy come in here and go Hannibal Lecter on my ass, I want Jody [edited]ing Foster comin' through the door!

Perhaps you had to be there.

There is a half-hearted attempt at a plot twist near the end, but unfortunately the script spends so much time blatantly telegraphing the punch that when it finally lands, it's already yesterday's news (unless you are eat-an-entire-pound-of-Fritos high, in which case, this movie - as well as anything you watch on QVC afterwards - will be extremely profound and entertaining).

De Niro is as good as he can be, given the circumstances, but I was very disappointed that Pacino didn't give his usual eccentric performance. It might have redeemed this movie somewhat if he had treated the audience to at least one good eye-bulging, red-faced, oddly punctuated tirade lightly seasoned with some well-worn cliches.

Save this one for when your only other option is Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and even then, it's probably best to just roll over and take a nap.